Method

I have an audition on Saturday. I had been revising the Kimba piece (Westie Monolouges) for it. But given how my week is going to turn out, I think I'll switch to the graveside scene from Black Rock.

I've been reading up on Stanislavsky. A week or two ago in drama class we did a Method acting(lite) lesson. Each class is only 3 hours and well, it's an intense exercise. It was the first time I really felt stretched. There were four words printed on each of the four walls of the room.

Fear, Anger, Sadness, Joy.

We were instructed to stand in front of each in turn and contemplate the words.

What they mean. What they look like. How they make us feel.

And then to 'experience' each, not behave as if we did, not to act them.

Just to within ourselves find those emotions. It was hard. I use fear, anger and sadness as tools. I manipulate them to my advantage.

I use Sadness as motivation to change, to move.

I use Fear to unpack, to explore and learn.

I use Anger to protect and defend myself.

But Joy? It was the hardest of them all - at first.

Joy to me has so many elements in it's creation. It happens so rarely, which what makes it so special. I found it hard to find my own Joy. Not vicarious Joy (like when I'm happy that some one got married, or joy at the birth of a child) but Joy of my own.

It took serious exploration. I searched my memory and worked to relive times, places, events. And for a fleeting, brief moment I found it.

As I passed by the other three words it occurred to me I wasn't feeling them. I was analysing them. Merely deconstructing what I use them for. I then tried to feel them too. And that got harder still. I have trained myself for so long to use these emotions that to just *experience* them for their own sake was doubly as hard as finding my Joy.

I have some Un-training to do.

I asked my teacher why he picked those specific words. Why Anger and not Rage, Sadness instead of Grief. It was an arbitrary selection. He then recommended I read up on Stanislavsky.

He's hardcore. If I thought Italian semiotics was a brain bender, Russian drama theory tops it.